Attracting the partner of your dreams starts with you
Five years ago, I was the world’s worst dater. My confidence was on the floor, I’d text like a dork, and I never made the first move. It’s no wonder I was single.
Throughout my teens, I could blame my studies, but this wouldn’t cut it in my 20s — not when I was on dating apps and looking for love.
Being alone terrified me.
I thought I’d be single forever.
Luckily, things have turned around. I became more confident and started to believe in myself. This led to meeting my girlfriend through Medium. We’ve been together for nearly three years, and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
So how did this happen?
I put in the work — just not in the ways you might expect.
Is Marriage the Solution to Loneliness?
In his book, The Course of Love, Alain de Botton explores relationships after marriage. What actually happens?
He writes that marriage is seen as an answer to loneliness — and he believes this thinking is flawed: “To a shameful extent, the charm of marriage boils down to how unpleasant it is to be alone […] Once the freewheeling days of school and university are over, company and warmth become dispiritingly hard to find; social life starts to revolve oppressively around couples; there’s no one left to call or hang out with. It’s hardly surprising, then, if when we find someone halfway decent, we might cling.”
This isn’t to say marriage is a bad thing. Far from it. It’s just that the toils of being alone in our society can amplify our woes.
We long for connection. We don’t want to die alone.
Unfortunately, clinging to someone else for your happiness is a flawed strategy. You’ll be disappointed. Unfulfilled. Resentful.
You need to enjoy your own company.
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”— Wayne Dyer
Look to Non-Neediness Instead
In a conversation with Steven Bartlett, British business tycoon Karren Brady shares what’s kept her marriage strong for the last 27 years:
“Our relationship is not needy […] My husband doesn’t need me and I don’t need him. We want to be together but we don’t need to be together. I don’t need to know where he is every minute of the day. I don’t need to know what his thoughts are on everything I do […] He knows I’m self-sufficient and that I don’t need much from anyone […] I think it’s important to have your own space, your own friends, and do your own thing […]”.
Wanting to be together but not needing to be together.
This is non-neediness.
In Models, Mark Manson explores this idea further. He argues that neediness can sabotage your efforts to find love, and non-neediness is the antidote: “A non-needy man’s actions and words will be motivated by embodying his own values and desires […] Instead of worrying whether or not she will like you, you could wonder if you will like her […] Instead of feeling the need to impress her, you could wonder if she impresses you. Not acting on our desires and asserting ourselves where appropriate is showing more investment in others than ourselves. It is, therefore, unattractive.”
How to Become Non-Needy
My life has improved dramatically since working on myself. You have to do what Christabella Romano calls “shadow work”. Uncovering your demons. Facing them. Speaking with them. Writing about them.
Putting in this work can make you more emotionally attractive.
In 2019, I tried therapy. I went on to tell my therapist things I’d never told anyone before. About not knowing my dad. Feeling discomfort in groups. Being afraid of love. Once the doors opened, I rambled on and on.
I continued therapy for twelve weeks. This was in the second half of 2019. Since then, I’ve been in touch with my biological dad and have been in my first long-term relationship.
You may decide therapy isn’t for you. See instead if you can speak to someone you trust about what’s going on.
I also journal every night, even when I don’t want to. (Scrap that — especially when I don’t want to.) I’ve read countless self-help books. I’ve even tried hypnosis.
No one teaches you this stuff, but as far as relationships are concerned, self-improvement is the most important topic there is.
“The only real dating advice is self-improvement.
Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you.”
— Mark Manson
The Proof
I mentioned my girlfriend.
After commenting on each other’s work, we progressed to email. I enjoyed her writing and thought she looked pretty, but I had zero expectations.
So I asked her out:
“In the spirit of the dating mistakes article, how would you feel about going on a virtual date? I think you’re really pretty, you’ve clearly got great taste in whose writing you like (wink), and if it goes badly, we can always add it to the dating mistakes (double wink) ;)”
She agreed, throwing the emojis right back at me.
This was nearly three years ago. We’ve been together ever since.
All of this happened because I was willing to be vulnerable. I was at peace. If she rejected my advances, no hard feelings. Sure, it would have sucked, but I would have been okay.
So put in the work, unmask your demons, and realise you don’t need anyone to be happy.
When you’re ready, Cupid will fire that arrow.