An honest reflection of the situation
It feels strange to be writing this.
As someone who writes about entrepreneurship, it may seem I have everything figured out. (*Emphasis on seem*)
The truth is I don’t.
I’m at a crossroads in my life, and decisions are flying at me fast, like buying my first property, getting a work visa, and tying the knot — all whilst navigating self-employment.
Sure, my life is great. I have a great relationship. I love what I do for work. But it’s exhausting, and I’m worried I’ve lost my mojo.
This moment was probably inevitable
I’ve been writing online for three years.
At the end of 2022, I quit my job in SEO to do this full-time.
Before quitting my job, writing was my hobby. It was basically therapy in disguise. It helped me let go of my teenage angst.
And it isn’t that becoming a full-time writer has killed my love of writing. It’s just changed things. Writing is now work. And like any job, it has its sources of anxiety and frustration.
I love it. But it’s still work.
After quitting my 9–5, my life became this wide-open thing with no rules, no work calendar, and no meetings.
Most of my communication with clients is done over email and Slack. I haven’t even spoken to two of my clients on the phone.
Initially, it was exhilarating. Yet I knew this was a dangerous type of freedom that shouldn’t be taken for granted.
And so my day-to-day existence has become monk-like and regimented — but on my own terms. I wake up. Meditate. Eat breakfast. Start working and switch off around 12pm to hit the gym.
Each day is a handful of writing sprints, with other things to break up any creeping monotony.
I’m extremely grateful for the goodness in my life, but I feel like the monotony is starting to suck my life away. I feel lethargic. Nothing excites me. I find myself writing about the same old sh*t over and over again.
I hit most of my 2023 goals.
And I feel burnt out.
Where did I go wrong?
One of my 9–5 friends recently asked me how much time I have off over Christmas. “I guess I’ll take a couple of weeks off. I haven’t really thought about it.”
He smiled wistfully. “You’re living the dream, mate.”
Earlier this year, I would have agreed. I get to work from anywhere, anytime. I get to hike in the afternoons with friends. I’m making the sort of money I used to dream about.
But there’s something nagging away at me.
I feel like I’ve achieved everything I set out to achieve, and I’m pining for something more meaningful. Something more challenging. It’s cool to write about making money online as a 20-something, but I don’t want to be like those 44-year-old men you see at nightclubs dancing all by themselves.
I’m at a plateau. I need a fresh challenge.
I’m also longing for a sense of community. This is one of the things I loved about the 30-Day Writing Challenge. It’s demoralising to spend hours on an article and publish it into a void, only for you to hear your echo. Support from other writers is vital.
My greatest fear of all?
Settling down.
To me, this feels like death.
“You get what you settle for.”
— Louise from Thelma & Louise
What next?
Do I need a new hobby? To spend time away from my computer screen? To reconnect with things that make me happy?
Maybe. Probably. I have no idea.
There’s a good chance these doubts I’m having about work will wash away when I jump off from my laptop.
Or at least I hope so.
There’s also a chance I need to rethink my work in 2024. It’s not that I dislike it. Far from it. I’m lucky that I get to type words on the internet for a living.
It’s just that being comfortable makes me feel uneasy. Like a bomb that could explode any second. When life is rosy, you’ve got more to lose, and that scares me.
Anyway, I’m rambling.
I just feel burnt out — and that’s okay. I’m trying to give myself some grace.
Thanks for reading, and I’ll report back in the new year.